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Lonely

I'm so lonely.
I miss feeling connected. I miss feeling wanted.
Although when I typed that it made me think, have I truly ever felt that?
I'm sitting by myself, crying like a small child.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of things not working.
Isn't it time things went well? Just for once!
Every time I think things might get better, something bad happens.
And then I'm back to this. Alone, lonely, and crying.
So tired of this. So fucking tired.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Oops

I seem to have neglected livejournal for a teeny tiny while. Thanks Amanda for reminding me lol

I WILL write a wee update to let you all know whats going on with me. There is alot of stuff, but unfortunately for moi, its not exciting or boy related. SOOO gutted at that lol

I'm in need of serious boy related action ASAP, I can tell you!! I made a bold decision to only do something with someone that I properly like. And what has happened? I find I actually don't like anyone! Well, in that specific way anyway. I like a whole lot of people, but as friends, you know.

So my nice little idea has turned into a huge heap of crap, because now I'm not getting any, my batteries can only last so long, and I have had many offers from guys I can barely tolerate, which is making me think "Fuck it, why not? Just this one?!"

Blah. So, there you go. There will be no scandalous sex stories. Or at least, I don't think there will be... lol

I'll update yous all tomorrow. Just back from my weekend at T in the Park, and my dear Lord I'm KNACKERED!!!

Night all, love yous!!! J xox

Dreams

The past week or so I've been having a dream every night pretty much about Spawn of Satan.

And they're not nasty, horrible, me killing him kinda dreams.

I'm not saying they're lovely awwww dreams, or sex dreams or anything, but I keep on having them and waking up missing him stupidly. Still feeling something for him. Wanting, for some strange reason, to see him again, to speak to him.

When I think about it properly now, I'm still in the mindframe that no, he's a wanker. Once a wanker, always a wanker. So no, I don't want to see him again.

But I still have that lingering feeling that I miss him. That my life somehow has this little black hole in it because he's gone.

If I didn't have these stupid dreams, I'd be fine. I'm getting very good at pushing those feelings away. But with dreams, the feelings and memories are so intense in them for me, that when I wake up I just want to cry because I miss him so much, and that's shit, and hurts, because I hate him so much too.

Well, I can't do anything about my dreams, unfortunately I can't control what happens in them, but hopefully I wont dream about him anymore.

Last night I dreampt I was late for my flight for my holiday next month, and hadn't even packed. Obviously I'm being worried about that instead :)

Blah

Kirsty's brother Paul and his girlfriend Tracy have just had a baby girl.

I'm really happy for them.

But also, I'm not.

I still hate it when people I know have babies. Even though I'm all excited for them and happy and stuff, I'm also feeling at the same time hate and anger and sadness and such envy its ridiculous.

Definitely.... blah!

Belated Birthday

Since I was off on my birthday, I never got a present from my team. Usually I handle all birthday presents etc, I have a wee alarm on my computer a week before everyone's birthday so I can get a collection sorted and a present bought. But since it was MY birthday, and everyone else is extremely unorganised, it ended up getting missed.

Julie and Jackie's birthdays were also in July, and also got missed, a combination of me not being in, and them not being in.

So now, over a month later, we've got a buffet at work. And I got given a bottle of rose wine. Delish!!!

And the buffet looks so yummy. Even though its only 10:20am, I am so tempted to just go over and stuff my face full of goodies!! lol

We've got afew different big bags of crisps, some dips, some cocktail sausages, scotch eggs - my fav!! - pasta salad, sausage rolls, melba toast and pate and some baby plum tomatoes. Ooh, and also a wee thing of mini oreo cookies, and a birthday cake :)

Total yumminess!!!!!

So today is now a good day. No matter what happens, today is good :)

I Am Really Annoyed

You know how Andy's asked me to move in with him? And how at first I thought it was just because he wanted someone to help out with the rent? Now, he's said before that that's not it, if someone else moves in as his flatmate, he still wants me to move in with him.

So, because this has been in my head the past few months, I have been properly considering it, and wanting to move out of my flat in Stirling.

And recently, I've REALLY been wanting to move out.

I still kind of like it here, but there's just nothing holding me anymore.

I'm getting more and more annoyed with my flatmates - Sarah especially - and I just want to leave.

Of course I can't do that until I can get a job back home, and hopefully get a flatmate to cover for me with me moving out. I don't want them to have to struggle for money etc.

But then, part of me doesn't care. I just want to leave and say fuck you guys, byeee!!!

And its not like Sarah's not driven out flatmates in the past. James and Eilidh both moved out because of Sarah, and me and Dave were going to move out because of her. So she's bound to be used to it by now.

But then I've got the holiday in October to think about.

My plan is to stay until after the holiday, and then move out. Hopefully I'll be able to find a job by then. And I'm still getting emails from people asking about renting out the room, so that's hopeful...

I just don't know. I'm just so restless here, and really just don't want to be here. I don't know if its the thing with Andy, maybe its just because I want to be with him. If it is then that's a crap reason. Well, to me it is anyway.

I'm just feeling really claustrophobic here, and really restless, I don't think I can bare being here until the lease runs out in May, I really don't.

Ick!

Maybe Perfection Isn't His Name...

I'm in a jealous huff. Blah.

Andy checked his emails at mine and left himself signed into hotmail.

He has an email folder called 'my baby' where he has kept emails from his ex Claire.

I know I shouldn't have even looked, I thought it was just stuff about his car to be honest...

You think I would've learned from that time I looked at Spawn of Satan's phone and saw a text from Sam being all ooh, you're so sexy blah blah blah.

I just thought it would be pics of his car or something... And its not. Obviously.

The thing is, the emails were from like two years ago, and she got married a month or two ago, so obviously she's moved on from their relationship.

But if he's kept emails from her, especially in a fucking folder called 'my baby', then obviously he's not over her.

I've said this to him before, because he's kept stuff from her, and he went all mad-ish at me once when I couldn't find the pen I'd borrowed from him, which turned out to be from her to wish him good luck for his exams.

He says he's over her, but I don't think he is. How much other stuff has he kept? I've sent him afew pics and videos of the sexual variety... has he kept her ones too? I bet he has. Does he watch/look at them and think she's better than me? Does he miss being with her and regrets that he's with me instead?

I know I'm doing it again, reading too much into things, but it hurts to think he's still in love with her. I want him to be in love with me!!

But then... I looked on spawn of satan's bebo page the other day and he's down as "in a relationship". That upset me. It really did. He does not get to move on and be happy without me!

So... I can't really moan about Andy keeping emails. I kept ones from Dave for ages, but at least I had them under D, not my fecking baby.

I guess my insecurities were not taken away and soothed by Andy, as I had thought.

Is it wrong to just want him to want to be with me and no one else? Is it wrong that I want him to love me, when clearly from hearing stuff about this Claire girl, his love is way out of my league...? She's way prettier and skinnier than me, and he obviously was madly in love with her. Has photos of them hugging and little keepsakes from her lying about.

I can't compete with that, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to.

I hate feeling second best. That there's something about me that's just not quite good enough, just never quite measures up. It makes me feel so sad.

Andy just phoned and I actually was too mad/sad to talk to him properly. I know he got that from the way I was speaking, he'll be all confused as to what now is making his "girlfriend" act all crazy again for no apparent reason.

He doesn't deserve the way I am with him. As I've said before, even if he does still love her, who am I to take that away, or be jealous about that? It's not my place to tell him he can't feel something for someone who's important to him. I just want to be that important.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like being in love is just not worth it. It leads to hurt, confusion, anger, sadness and pain. And that's if the person loves you back! Andy doesn't, I'm sure of that one. I'd like to think that he does, but that's just plain stupidness on my part.

And I'm not just saying that so you'll say no, of course he loves you. I remember something he said a month or two ago and it made it pretty clear to me that he is NOT in love with me. So there's no way I'm ever going to be stupid enough to tell him I'm in love with him.

Fuck it. I'm just not good in relationships. Why do I even bother?

Perfection, Thy Name Is Andy lol

Well, me and Andy had a nice chat last night about all of my issues etc. I even let him read my journal entry.

I just feel like I don't explain myself properly on texts, or over the phone. I feel more under pressure if its more in person, like I can't quite say what I want to incase I'm misunderstood or I'm just too nervous to say what I really mean.

He phoned me not long after he read it, said it really upset him, what I wrote. I read back over it and it didn't seem too upsetting to me, but I think that's because I'm already feeling it all, I've already been there and done that, and maybe he didn't realise just how much what he said had affected me.

But he managed to do his usual, said things that made me feel better about myself, and about us.

Matt, you're right on the honeymoon period being over, at least on his side anyway. Not that it's anything bad, just that he's been so focused on money problems and trying to get a flatmate in, and all the panic that goes with that, he feels he might have neglected that side of his life a little bit. Not on purpose, and when we are together he's still really happy and stuff, but the other things on his mind have maybe made him feel not as connected, or whatever.

I'm fine with this, although when he said that, something about the fact that we've been going out for a while and maybe things have got a bit more comfortable, and he's maybe not appreciating me as much... I thought he was going to say things had gotten stale between us. I was a bit worried he would say that, because it sounded like that was the word on the tip of his tongue.

Could've just been me reading too much into it, as per usual, but it still felt like that was the word waiting in the background.

And the thought of that did upset me a bit. Because I'm not feeling that. I still feel happy when I see him, I still get that excited/nervous feeling, and I still want to talk to him all the time, and spend as much time as possible with him, even if its just snuggled up on the bed/sofa talking about nothing much.

So the fact that he's got to that stage this soon is a bit disappointing, but I guess we all get there at different stages. And I don't think its my fault, I think its just life taking over and making things harder, which can make everything seem less shiny and new.

I'm just really thankful I managed to land a nice guy like Andy, not every guy would put up with my shit and be as understanding and sympathetic and caring as he is. Most guys would've given me up as too much hassle months ago.

So things are alot better, I feel alot happier. I'm just kind of annoyed that I seem to need someone else to make me feel this way.

I should be able to cope on my own and just be ok, to just convince myself I'm worth more than nothing. But it seems recently I've needed his reassurance alot more than I should.

Grr. lol

I hate being some dependant little girl with him. I want to be a strong capable woman who can take care of herself.

Andy says that this is what being in a relationship is about. It's about sharing how you feel, not bottling things up, and feeling close enough that we feel safe to talk about our feelings. And that is true. But still, I hate that its not an equal relationship.

I know relationships can never be equal, there's always going to be someone who likes their partner more, or someone who's more dependant on the other person, but why does it have to be me in that situation? I'd like him to like me more. I'd like to be the one to give the advice, to make him feel better and more secure about himself and our relationship.

But its only ever me, me demanding to be looked after, me needing to be made to feel better. And if I don't stop it, this is all going to be too much for him, I'll drain him of all his compassion, and he'll end up as some poor little half-human. Not a good look, right? lol

I just feel bad to be such a burden on him, because he's just lovely to me, knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, and from the way he was acting yesterday, I know he really truly cares about me.

He said he was in such a panic yesterday morning after waking up to those texts, told me that there weren't the words to properly explain how worried he was about me and our relationship. So he really does care, and I'm glad.

Anyway, there you go, a wee update. Things are OK. I think we have to maybe work a bit more at making more time for each other and making each other feel more appreciated. But that is not a big deal, and I'm not averse to doing that at all.

Thought you'd wanna know xox

I'm Worried

Evening all :)

I'm worried about me and Andy, so I'm going to share this with you all to get some help and advice. Fingers crossed anyway.

Right, well, for the past wee while we've not really been having sex as much. The week I stayed at his we had sex a total of 2 times. I mentioned this to him, and he said that he just wasn't feeling especially horny, which he found weird, but it was nothing to do with me, he's just been feeling more up for snuggling/kissing etc.

Now, you all know I take my confidence with boys from sex etc, so this was a serious blow. Is there something wrong, has he been cheating, has he just went off me?

He managed to persuade me that all was fine, so I went on my merry way feeling ok about it all.

But then all my bleeding crap happened, and we pretty much didn't have sex because of that. I really wanted to, but I was worried about the bleeding. Not because it hurt, because that's always been ok, no pain or anything. I just felt manky and that I was ruining things by not being the best girlfriend I could be.

So, I thought once its all sorted out at the docs, everything will go back to normal, and we'll be fine.

Hmm, so I thought.

Because we'd not been having sex, I thought I'd try and be more talkative about it, send him more texts saying I'm horny etc, or that I'm using my vibrator etc etc.

Now usually this would make him reply with something along similar lines, and has it recently?

No. Not at all. Not even close.

He replies telling me to have fun. Or just talks about something else entirely. Does not attempt to join in the sex-related conversation, mostly just avoids it and moves on.

So again, this worries me.

Is there something wrong, does he not fancy me anymore, is he just going out with me because he likes me, and not because he LIKES me?

I like him. I more than like him. And I also really fancy him. But if he doesn't feel the same way then I don't want to stay in a relationship where I'm the only one who's properly IN it, you know?

So I text him last night to let him know how I feel, to explain that him bypassing the sex texts and replacing it with normal chit chat is making me nervous/worried/upset etc.

He replies with "I'm sorry if I have seemed to change subjects when you mention sex or being horny. I'm not sure why to be honest, I honestly wouldn't worry about it though, its just me being weird. You said it yourself, I'm weird. But I will try and make more of an effort in future, rest assured its not you, so please don't worry."

This to me is a bad reply. Whenever he says things like this, he always says he honestly doesn't know why he said/did something. It's only when I bring it up that he actually admits to maybe not being 100% involved, but can never explain why. Which is a bad thing, right?

And also, he's going to make more of an effort?!

Is it an effort to flirt with me? Is it an effort to want to have sex with me, or for the thought of me being turned on/horny to make him feel the same? Is it an effort for him to want to be with his girlfriend in a sexual kind of way?

It shouldn't have to be. It shouldn't have to be an effort at all.

I get it that sometimes people don't want to have sex. I get in those moods too. But funnily enough he can still watch shit loads of porn and jerk off, so it can't be him not wanting sex, or not being in that kind of "mood". It's got to be him not wanting sex with ME.

And the thought of that really gutted me. Totally and utterly gutted me, and I felt so miserable.

I text him back saying a short version of above, that it shouldn't have to be an effort, and if it was, that's a problem, and he should maybe think if he wants us to just be friends.

And I get.... nothing. No texts. So I text him again. Nothing. I then call him. Nothing.

I'm pretty much freaking out at this point thinking it must be bad because now he's not even talking to me.

It is pretty late at this point though, so I think maybe he just fell asleep.

But not being able to verify this since he wont answer his phone or reply, I end up lying in my bed, in tears, wondering what I did wrong, and if there's anything I can do to make it better, to make him want me again.

It takes me hours to fall asleep, and then in the lovely light of day, I wake up, and still feel awful. I feel physically sick at this point, because I like him so much, and the thought of losing him because I'm not pretty enough, or not skinny enough, or not good at sex enough for his liking is just ripping me apart.

My confidence has not been its best recently since the whole breaking up with Spawn of Satan, and its knocked me for six really, in the boy attracting department. The fact that Andy even wanted to be with me made me feel over the moon because I thought I was worthless and pathetically unattractive.

So this kind of brought all those feeling back, but worse because Spawn of Satan was an asshole. We can all agree to that. But Andy's a nice guy. Someone I know I can trust and can be myself with and won't break my heart. So if he doesn't even fancy me now, fuck, what is the point?

Anyway... I got to work, felt pretty shitty, but didn't really talk about it to anyone because I felt close to tears since the moment I woke up. Didn't want to make a stupid scene at work.

I got a text from Andy at sometime after 9am, and it did confirm that he did indeed fall asleep, his silence wasn't any kind of bad answer to my texts, and he still wants me as his girlfriend, not as his friend.

He sounded pretty upset in his texts, and very panicked that we were going to break up or something over this. He said he doesnt want to break up, that he cares for me too deeply.

And I want to believe him. I do. But I'm really scared to.

I realy do care about him alot, and being with him has helped me so much. After getting my heart so entirely stomped on with SoS, I didn't even think I could be with another guy for quite some time, let alone really properly fall for someone as nice and caring as Andy.

I've felt really lucky, and happy with him recently. I smile stupidly when I see its him that's phoning me and I am always so pleased to see him when we get to spend time together.

I just don't want to be getting lead on, I hate to think he's saying all this stuff to me, and its not true. Because it would upset me more than I can say.

I don't want to trust someone again and have it all be a pile of shit like last time was, because I remember clear as day how much that hurt, and believe me, its not somewhere I ever want to be again.

Blah, I don't know.

I know I'm uber sensitive and take things to heart too much, but its only because I'm so scared of being hurt, scared of being lied to and cheated on and treated badly again.

I dont think Andy would do those things, but I didn't think SoS would either, so you can never tell...

I just want there to be something, a word or a phrase, or... something, that would just make me feel OK again. If I could just go back to feeling cared for and wanted and desires, that would be nice.

And the problem is, the only thing that's stopping me from this is myself. Andy tries his best with me, he puts up with all my mental bullshit and still manages to say something that will make me smile and feel all better again. But for some reason, not this time, and I don't know why.

So, ideas on a postcard folks, I need some guidance here.

Love and kisses, J xox

Plans

So, I'm seeing Andy next weekend. Quite a while away, but I'm really looking to it. We've been talking everyday, he phones me everyday after work, aw :)

Seriously, I'm soooo smitten lol

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